"It's
easier to build a boy than remake a man,”
Truett Cathy, founder and CEO of Chick-fil-A Corporation, once
observed. Building
boys and growing girls never
comes easy. But it sure beats the alternative.
2000 Days and Counting
When Michael, my
oldest, was 12, I began to
envision what our relationship would be like
when he reached 18. He was becoming his own person so fast, and
I didn’t know how to handle
it with gentleness. I saw conflicts increasing with no end in
sight. The words of a
Proverb rang in my ears: “He who separates himself seeks his own desire; he quarrels
against all sound wisdom.”
[1]
Would I face the heartache of my son slowly turning away
from me over the 2000 day
stretch to manhood? I cried
out to God for answers.
Running scared at first,
gradually I discovered ways to redouble my efforts. The Lord led me to place a much higher
priority on building a bond of affection between us. Yet I
wondered, “What can we do together?”
The chance to get scuba certified arose.
“Why not?” After several stressful weeks riding a steep
learning curve and garage-sale budget, we completed our rigorous
course. Scuba serves as a milestone in my relationship with
Michael, but not because it was outstandingly enjoyable. (Sea
sickness and numbing-cold water at 40 feet below the ocean
surface wasn’t my idea of fun.) It symbolizes today for both of
us the turning point in our relationship from increasing
coldness to growing warmth of intimate friendship.
It became my ambition—in a real sense, my #1 goal for this
season of life—to become my children’s best friend in the Lord.
Jesus’ words describing His leadership style have long tugged at
my heart: “I no longer call you servants, but friends.”
[2]
Today, my heart cries only louder for that depth of intimacy the
apostle Paul calls “fond affection”
[3] with my sons and
daughters from the oldest to the youngest.
I find there’s
less and less room for my former complacency of spirit, as I see
God knitting my kids’ and my lives together and giving
opportunities to minister as a team. Never would I have imagined
20 years ago that we’d be hosting non-Christian Japanese
high-schoolers at least once a year, and even traveling to Japan
to disciple and encourage them as new Christians.
“Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”
[4]
Above all, I want to sow to God’s Spirit in my children’s
hearts. Having that kind of impact makes the effort of becoming
an intentional, relational dad worth the investment. What’s 2000
days compared to eternal joy?
Supertanker Dad
One dad I know works in downtown
San Diego, and decided to take the commuter train to the office.
This 45 minute trek offers him a strategic opportunity to
reflect upon the spiritual development of his kids. Keeping that
noble goal before us can transform us dad’s attitudes after the
“daily grind” from disconnected fatigue to renewed courage, zeal
and direction.
As a school
teacher and now as self-employed, I am keenly aware of the
tendency toward working and holding out for weekends to relax
and enjoy my precious, hard-earned “down time.” My family easily
gets bumped to a minor priority.
My life
resembles a supertanker. It takes a long-term commitment of
countless daily decisions and many “miles” to steer me onto a
better course. When I feel like that supertanker, sluggish to
maneuver, the Lord comes alongside with gentle yet powerful
nudges of the “tugboat” of His Holy Spirit. “Take a break and
call home at lunchtime.” “Put the paper and mail down and give
your daughter a hug; read her a story.” “Look your son in the
eyes. Ask him how his day went and really listen without
secretly thinking about that work project.”
Working as a
teacher, I discovered a simple secret. It makes a huge
difference when I take time on the way home before “re-entry”
from work to consider one question: “Lord, how do You want me
to be Your blessing to my family today?” I often find myself
steered into new ways to enjoy my kids …a walk down our long
driveway to the mailbox, a “tickle fight,” or a bike ride. The
Spirit of God offers endless creative ways for us dads to win
our sons’ and daughters’ affection when we steadfastly resolve
to let Him nudge and steer us.
Entering a “New
World”
Current
statistics indicated that close to 70% of evangelical
churched youth later reject the faith of their parents. How
do we capture (or re-capture) our children’s affection and
attention?
Floyd McClung (YWAM, California) tells the story of his
friend Joe’s relationship with his five-year-old son, Nick:
I once commented to Joe that I
admired the way he took so much time out from his
already-crowded schedule to spend time with his son. His
response was interesting. He told me he wanted Nick to grow
up and embrace his ideals—to love serving the Lord and to
care for the world around him. Joe felt that for Nick to enter
his world, he first had to enter into his son’s world,
and so he worked at becoming his son’s best friend.
[5]
Becoming our sons’ and daughters’
best friend requires entering our children’s world. In our house
we call it the guys’ world of “discovery, danger, demolition and
dirt.” My sons and I try to never go a week without venturing
into some untamed territory near our house. Better yet, holding
an element of risk. We’ve mostly suffered slimy sneakers and
scores of insect bites—only one concussion so far. Not bad for
15 years of bike rides, hikes and slogs into the nearby river
canyons.
We affectionately call it “Boys’
Night Out.” We’ve turned the local stream into a 6-foot-deep
swimming hole. We’ve pestered the local beaver population by
tearing down one of their dams and watching them begin to
rebuild it within minutes. We’ve been lost on a moonless night
miles from civilization without a flashlight (with good
batteries) between us. Any votes in favor of Nintendo or other
mindless disconnects? ‘Fraid not. We’ve got a history—strong
bonds of affection between us Bower Bros—and we’re still making
plans for more and better.
To capture your
kids’ hearts and win them over to God’s, you must be “as bold
as a lion”, entering their world to engage their hearts
[6].
And that often means stepping outside your comfort zone.
A ’57 Chevy, Some
Pill Bugs and Rock Shocks
Here in our little community
church, a number of us fathers have made a critical discovery:
When a dad puts out sincere effort to connect, he’s likely to
get his kids attention. One dad I know decided to try taking
an auto body class at the local JC with his teenage son. They
were drifting apart on the stream of life, and he wanted to pull
their rafts together before hitting the real rapids of
late-teens. Amidst the wet-dry sandpaper, spray paint, and
“Bondo,” they re-bonded. }:?) They both gave it a “10” as a
father-son activity. That might not work for you, but something
will—and it’s worth discovering what it is. But like this good
father could tell you (a couple restored cars later) it takes
Dad putting out real effort. Effective fathering requires
incredible initiative.
As another father at our church
once said,
“My real work is my family. My job is just how I support my
work.”
I admit getting
their attention…and keeping it…does get tougher as the kids get
older. Ravi Zacharias notes,
“The older you get, the more it
takes to fill your heart with wonder,
And only God is big
enough to do that.”
[7]
My toddling 2-year-old cuts loose
at the mere sight of a pill bug on one of our little walks down
the lane. My 14, 16 and 19-year-olds would rather rattle their
fillings with me testing out “Rock Shocks” on mountain bike
trails in a nearby wilderness preserve. In another case, getting
one of my sons to open up to me required a 3-day backpacking
trip to the mountain wilderness so the Lord could minister to
him through the awe-inspiring beauty of His creation. It often
means “stepping outside our box” and trusting the Lord to
support and bless our efforts to reconnect with our kids.
What about when
my younger kids complaining spirit gets under my skin? It points
me back to my lack of relational initiative…preventative
maintenance. My two-year-old was not responding to me well about
three months ago. As I sought the Lord, He showed me I had to
lay aside other things in my mornings to play trucks…yes,
play trucks!...with Josiah regularly. That one resolve
played a critical role in the answer to my prayers for him
becoming my “Joy Boy” again. Kid’s hearts most often soften when
Dad has a purpose and a plan for fun-filled relational
activities. When we dads turn our hearts toward our sons and
daughters by laying aside other self-fulfilling investments
(work, ministry, TV, hobbies, sports), we are reflecting the
“greatest love” of Christ, and laying down our lives as He did
for us.
[8]
Love like this is practically irresistible.
Honestly, many evenings, I feel
tempted t
o
lay low, enjoy time alone or just go to bed early. I’ve got to
maintain my resolve to pursue my kids’ hearts. There’s a kind of
spiritual entropy that’s always ready to spin my heart downward
toward relational laziness. But when I hear one of my teenage
sons tell me, “Reading aloud at night is one of the
highlights of my day, Dad,” I find fresh
courage to invest in building them up.
It requires Dad’s sincere efforts
to create a meaningful family time together. HeroDads wants
to help you make the relationship connection.
Sound like it’s worth a try?
Perhaps you’re wondering, “How can I make a heart-capturing
family time workable?” Here are some practical last
thoughts.
“SIB-KIS-MIF”
Here are three basic steps to help
you achieve that goal. This well-worn basic strategy works well.
(You can find more details under “Tips for Beginners” in the
HeroDads Guide to Family Fun Night.)
“See It Big!--Keep
It Simple!--Make It Fun!”
See It Big!
Recently, the kids and I decided to
have a little extra fun before reading aloud and going to bed
one weekend evening when Karen was out of town visiting
relatives. Sounds like a good start, eh? Well, unfortunately, I
failed to be sensitive to one of my sons who felt “fried” from
working on HeroDads products all day. He desperately needed a
change of pace. I thought we could play a game of “Foamball”—but
first take a few “action shots” of the products. I lost sight of
my sense of purpose. He felt cheated out of a fun evening, like
his expectations had been raised then dashed on the floor. We
rebounded with plans for a better Family Adventure.
Let’s remember, dads, our noble
purpose is to deepen the bond of affection with our kids.
See it big.
Keep It Simple!
What could go wrong with a game of
Capture the Flag with some eager guys from church? Lots, if you
are too inclined to explain the rules perfectly, like me. We
were fighting the clock. Afterwards, everyone felt deflated
because it was so short. “It would’ve been more fun if we
hadn’t spent half the time on setting boundaries!” someone
honestly noted. Hard lesson learned.
Simple plans, simple games, simple
rules are usually best. Less is more. Keep it simple.
Make It Fun!
About a year ago I read a
penetrating article about parenting that included a humorous
list of ideas for how NOT to spend time with your kids. One
item: “Take a nap with your kids while they read to you aloud.”
YOW! My mind raced back to the few foolish times when I spent my
“special time” together reading one-to-one with Samuel with my
legs up. While he read a favorite book…I proceeded to drift off
into the ozone layer. And I didn’t fool my son one bit.
(Confessions are good for the soul, but bad for the reputation!)
Today, I see more clearly that I must have a plan—God’s plan—and
apply it with courageous creativity to resist falling into my
“Dial-Tone Dad” ruts.
Planning ahead and asking God for
His new ideas keeps the family smiling with “intentional
spontaneity.” Make it fun!